Contributed by Tiberius Lowang
My second article contains more vitriolic vituperation against Asian parenthood and some disgraceful characters in the Asian camp.
As mentioned in the previous critique, traditional Asian parents are fucking up our generation. I have arrived at the conclusion that these parents have no idea what they’re trying to do but want to force their philosophies down our throats anyway. Allow me to provide you with some puzzling paradoxes:
1. Asian parents try to assimilate into the mainstream society but continue to behave in their ethnocentric manners:
I know a vast group of Chinese immigrants who vainly try to fit into the American society by acting Westernized. These ridiculous schemes include watching blockbusters or operas to prove that they appreciate American culture, trying to use English words (incorrectly) while talking to fellow Chinese friends, naming their children James or Brian, going to concerts (Dayton Philharmonic or something) or hockey games, debating American politics like they’re experts when they are not even familiar with the Constitution yet, etc. Basically, it is an esteem-induced psychosis where Asians voluntarily forget about their own ethnic identities to become whitewashed.
Some may argue that this is the way it should be. After all, we’re in the United States so we should act like White people. However, the aforementioned Asians continue to act Asian in the most fundamental aspects of life. Notice the house still smelled like mothballs; African-Americans are still being viewed as racially inferior even though desegregation began forty years ago; rich Asians still refuse to donate to charity and manage to save $50 by exploiting loopholes in the tax forms; Asian households are still reluctant to fraternize with their neighbors. Little things like this determine how much our parents have been Americanized. Conclusion: not much.
The naivete of traditional Asians are also incomprehensible. Even though Asian Americans are a minority group like everyone else, these traditionalists possess an unfounded sense of superiority. They think that they’re the true workers that move America forward. They think they are so elite compared to the Mexicans at Taco Bell. Nevertheless, there is a much larger Hispanic representation in the government than Asians. Why? Asian communities are so disunited it’s unbelievable. It’s indeed rare to see a cohesive pan-Asian movement to force recognition by the white majority due to our intrinsic political, economical, sociological, and religious differences. There are always backstabbers and saboteurs. There are always shady profiteers and secessionist traitors. My question is: how are we supposed to elevate our political status with all such dissension and disinterest?
Furthermore, we have a sizable group of ‘assimilated’ Chinese people who think they’re not going to internment camps when nativism or war emerges in the future. Wrong! Not only are they going to be deported en masse, but Japanese, Taiwanese, Cambodians, Filipinos, and Korean people too. Do you think Americans will be knowledgeable enough to tell the difference? Perhaps we should bear that in mind before impugning homosexuals and radicals as the true outcasts of American society.
2. All right, enough boring ranting about politics. My second point: Asian parents try to act cool even when they are not.
Traditional Asian parents base their high expectations of their progeny upon some (fabricated) personal high achievements. These people always reminisce about their impoverished backgrounds and a bittersweet saga of from rags to riches. Some examples including acing every test in middle school and feeding the family at the ripe age of 6. Stuff also includes studying for at least 12 hours a day while helping the family with housework.
I question the veracity of these parental remarks. Coincidentally, you never get to hear about stuff like how they shoplifted quail eggs, cheated on tests, failed exams, got beat up in alleys, or masturbated in private. Asian parents are the equivalent of saints in religious scriptures. Sometimes I wonder if our generation just sucks ass because only a small group of us could boast about a perfect K12 academic record.
This view is implausible due to genetics. If every Asian father and every Asian mother are Newtonian geniuses with IQs way off the chart, how come some Asian kids are total losers and dumb-asses? (I will discuss more about these disgraces later.)
Anyhow, our pseudo-brilliant Asian parents expect the following accomplishments from us within a time span of twenty years: piano/violin virtuoso, academic guru, math wiz, ambidextrous work drone, doctor/lawyer, and billionaire. Just how are we supposed to do this? Answer: by working hard all day, not talking to friends, not dating, not video gaming, not jacking off, and following some antiquated Confucian moral guidelines. These unspecified encouragements shackle the normal Asians to the pole of academia and suppress our chance to develop personal relationships at a reasonable age. We did not propagate the nerdy Asian myth; our parents did. What is the result? Some dedicated Asian kids become heartbroken and lose interest somewhere along their tortuous academic journey. In summary, there exists a clear demarcation between being a responsible parent and being a domineering tyrant. A responsible parent should give insightful advice to the children while allowing them to make decisions independently. Not many Asian kids have the perspicacity to draw the line; they continue to march towards the unattainable mirage under hypnosis.
I maintain my view that, in order to develop the productive Asian mentality illustrated by the Dave Behavioral Paradigm, self-improvement, not parental-enforced improvement, should be the foundation philosophy of life. One is most motivated in pursuing his or her own dream guided by a set of rational operating parameters.
3. This one has nothing to do with paradoxes. I just want to say Asian congregations are boring as hell – do not hang out with a large group of Asian adults or suffer the consequences! I must warn the readers to eschew such occasions in order to fully maximize the enjoyments in life.
A typical Asian get-together is characterized by sexual segregation. The Asian men would bond with other guys and try to demonstrate their encyclopedic grasp of abstruse knowledge. The (married) women, on the other hand, would gossip and then brag about their houses and/or children. I emphasized ‘married women’ because the unmarried ones would probably be appalled by the Asian guys and seek seclusion elsewhere.
A typical Asian get-together is also synonymous with exchange of (falsified) military intelligence. The standard family strategy is: 1. the husband must talk with other men and isolate the women for a surgical attack; 2. the wife interrogates the isolated women and tries to extract valuable information KGB style; 3. the wife feeds the interrogated women some exaggerated, fictitious data about how she is better off than everyone else; 4. the wife leaves with the husband, conveniently grabbing some free food before departure.
One dilemma with this tactic is that a casual chat could transform into a boast fest within minutes. You’ll always end up hearing stuff about kids going to Harvard or Yale before finding a panacea for mankind. Conversely, you’ll never end up hearing stuff about kids smoking weed or dropping out of college like their White companions. If you go to the guy’s section, you’ll hear about detailed conjectures on how the universe was created and how Timor has no chance for reunification. In layman’s terms, Asian meetings are bland and predictable as fuck. Do not attend if you are a sane person.
Now, let’s move onto the more interesting segment!
Some people are the disgraces to the Asian camp. They are the Asians who ruined others’ chances to enchant inamoratas with their own endemic imbecility. These buffoons take pride in stigmatizing the Asian image. Meet the Fockers:
1. Asian dumb-asses who think they are cool by pretending to be ghetto “AZN”.
2. Asian dumb-asses who think they are popular by smoking weed and other drug paraphernalia.
3. Asian dumb-asses who think they are masculine by deliberately being mean and coarse.
4. Other Asian dumb-asses.
Why are these people so detrimental to the collective hygiene and welfare of Asian Americans?
The answer is simple. The general stereotype of Asian boys is that we are all frigging nerds. It’s true: we have countless Asian boys who fit perfectly into the perceived descriptions. These are the people who could speak the Black Speech of Mordor and comprehend what string theory is all about. These are the people, when given a few planks and asked to build a fence surrounding the largest area, would make a circle around himself and proclaim that he’s actually standing on the outside. These people are also prone to make statements such as ‘WTF LOL Linux r0x0rs my b0x0rs, with Warez P2P I’m finally able to dl JFK and RFK DCDP some OB/GYN inside LAX, CA from GRU LAN. Send me the decoded file via MILSAT BT WYSIWYG ASAP and Nero it onto some DVD before I get disconnected because I’m an l33t h4x0r. All your base are belong to us ROTFLMFAO.’ They are utterly hopeless.
Our salvation lies in the faint hope that some liberal girls might enjoy nerddom, find soft-spoken, gentle Asians attractive, or simply need us to balance their checks. The dumb-ass Asians totally screwed us over. Imagine that Asian behavior can be placed on a spectrum. The nerds occupy the far right. Our hope is that we stand somewhere to their left to attract the opposite sex. The dumb-asses ruined our chances with their perdition. By smoking weed, yelling obscenities, rapping like an intoxicated Uzbek shepherd, and just being retarded, these people positioned themselves on the far left of the spectrum and boxed the sane survivors in. Their coarseness disillusioned the girls into thinking that Asians are either lifeless nerds or bellicose retards. There is no middle ground. We’re all hemmed into some pre-made casket by extremists from both sides.
I used to pity these fools. Asian Ebonics is reserved for intellectuals who have something profound to say. The standard grammatical format is “[slang], [esoteric remark].” For example, ‘Dude, I fucking synthesized artificial chloroplasts from recycled material’ or ‘Yo dawg, the first few lemmas in the Riemann Hypothesis are not that hard to prove fo sho.’ In contrast, comments such as ‘Dude, who stole my lighter?’ or ‘Dude, can I borrow some dough for Diamonds?’ are unacceptable. Some guys also look more appealing than others when smoking stuff. Girls concede that Brad Pitt was still hot even when he’s smoking in movies. Compare that with scrawny Asian helots sharing a match while shriveling away with tuberculosis. The pertinent question to ask, when faced with these guys, should be, ‘Which corrective labor camp were you guys released from?’ Then they’ll threaten to maul you with bony fists and skeletal arms. You could subsequently pull out a legalized Uzi and gleefully observe them dispersing like clouds before rough winds. Finally, women like people with ambitions and goals in life. Who the hell, other than blank souls in league with Anna Nicole Smith, would want to spend time with some guy in a rehabilitation center?
Essentially, a large number of Asian males are being socially raped by these irresponsible “gangstas” and “rapstas”. These normal, dedicated guys have a right to be bitter at this defilement. To the fellow Asians who fell out of love and many others who still have to resort to Victoria’s Secret catalogs to release their sexual frustration: may the Force be with you!